Charges of Sexual Misconduct and Abuse of Power: Part II – Kimberly Moore; Letter from Kriyananda

Letter from Swami Kriyananda to Ananda members about his relationship with Kimberly Moore [Parmeshwari]

October 15, 1981

Dear Friends:

Things have been happening that I think will have a balancing influence on Ananda, and perhaps also on many of you, whose lives Ananda touches closely.

As a spiritual counselor, I find that the problems most often brought to me concern marriage, and male-female relationships in general. Many commentators, indeed, believe that the greatest present-day threat to civilization is the steady break-down of the family unit.

Why are marriages nowadays so precarious? I think of my own parents: happily married for over fifty years, yet never in all that time have I known them to have an argument, or even the slightest falling out. I don’t suppose such harmonious marriages have ever been common, but these days they seem almost nonexistent. Ours is a stressful era. Changing values, changing mores, changing male and female roles, changing insights into human nature and into universal Reality—all these have affected vitally the way we see ourselves, and the way we interact with those closest to us.

Yet our troubles can’t honestly be blamed on the prevailing stress—unless indeed we face the deeper truth that it is we who created that stress, and we, therefore, who need changing. And if (as some will maintain) the stress is of other people’s making, not ours, then we need in any case to learn to meet the stress as a challenge, an opportunity, not as a misfortune.

Perhaps, just because the conditions these days are so unfavorable, it will be possible for us to discover new secrets to happy marriage—secrets undiscovered previously simply because there was no pressing need, before now, to look for them.

For years I myself have sought keys which, if used, would unlock doors to harmonious relationships. My desire always has been not only to teach, but to make that teaching practical. At Ananda I’ve tried to develop a pattern of family life that would satisfy the spiritual needs of our age. And I’m happy to say, too, that we have many wonderful couples living in this community, and a measure of harmony in family life that people often praise. But so far no actual pattern has emerge—no leadership, no clear example that says, “This is spiritual marriage in the New Age.”

My Own Work

All my life it seems to have been my role to demonstrate the practicality of my Guru’s teachings in widely diverse fields—from creative artistic expression to founding serviceful businesses; from founding spiritual communities to writing on the art of creative leadership; from a search for answers to the crises in modern thought to writing a dissertation on Meaning in the Arts; from child education to spiritual astrology. What I’ve sought is ever-fresh opportunities for proving that the inner, divine life is the ultimate answer to all human needs, even the most mundane.

Always my hope has been to offer seed inspiration which others—perhaps long after I’m gone—would recognize and develop further, each in his own way.

My most recent book, How to Spiritualize Your Marriage, was written also with this thought in mind. People have been kind enough to express surprise that I could have written insightfully on a subject in which I’ve had no direct, personal experience. If I’ve done so, it may be because I am blessed with a kind of inner guidance, a sort of inwardly direct experience born of a subtle soul-link with others.

I write of the things I’ve done because they have a bearing on the new developments I mentioned earlier.

Recent Developments

About two years ago I began telling my close friends, “I feel a change coming. I don’t yet know what it is, but I believe it is there waiting to happen. God has something new in store for me, and for Ananda.”

For a year this feeling kept growing within me. Over that time it developed into an urgent desire to leave behind me my old ways of working: the intense drive; the unceasing projects; the extreme mental energy that I found it took to clarify subtle teachings, in order that I might bring my readers and listeners to a point where they’d say, “But of course!”

I’d already done almost everything I’d set out to do in life. My inner life, too, seemed in many respects to have reached a point of balance: I felt a deep inner freedom, a joyful sense of attunement.

What, then, did these new feelings mean? Was my mission over? Was I being called to a life of seclusion?—or to another plane of existence altogether? Indeed, I felt strongly that my life, whether literally or in its present phase, had ended. I was tired of everything—tired not because of disappointment over anything I had done; I knew the work had been good. But tired, rather, in the sense that my inner guidance was blocking my energy from going any further in the old direction.

But in fact it seemed to me that what awaited me was less an end than a beginning, not death, but rebirth. Specifically, I felt a need to develop more of an intuitive, loving flow in my life: less project-orientation, more people-orientation; less teaching on a mental level, more sharing on a heart level; less theory, and more direct experience.

But ah! my friends, if you consider it easy to change the fixed course of a lifetime, you must be a free soul indeed! Even photographs of me as a small child show the determination and drive, the project-mindedness, the rational, questing mind that have made possible whatever work I have done in this life. I knew it would be by no means easy for me to change.

A year ago in November I took a sabbatical leave from my work at Ananda. Mounting pressure from this as-yet unfulfilled guidance had taken its toll of my body. Someone suggested a Caribbean cruise, and I decided to give it a try, fully expecting to be bored. In fact I was bored—thoroughly! But I needed to be if I was to get mentally into neutral gear. The cruise accomplished this aim.

The question remained: Would I now be able to get into a new gear?

I rested at Ananda, and tried to enter the inner flow that I felt clearly to be my new direction. But others here, accustomed to relating to me in the old ways, sought repeatedly to involve me in further projects. “Sir, we need a book on women in the New Age; on a spiritual. approach to earning money; on spiritualizing marriage. May we have guidance on a new business? Who should teach the new class series in Sacramento? Shall we invite So and-So to speak at the retreat?”

Worse still, they sent me unedited transcripts of classes I had given on women, money, and marriage, saying, “Are these all right to publish in book form?” Of course they weren’t! So I ended up writing How to Use Money for Your Own Highest Good, and How to Spiritualize Your Marriage. But inside I was becoming desperate. I was being dragged back into working with my mind instead of my heart. I was projecting mere ideas, when my longing was to share experientially.

Last February, in an effort to find that new gear I was looking for, I accepted an invitation to Kauai, in the Hawaiian Islands. The decision proved fateful. For here I received the grace of an inner, positive transformation.

This needed direction came as the result of a seemingly chance meeting with someone in whom I found already highly refined those very qualities which I so much wanted to develop in myself. It was an encounter such as I’d never had before in my life.

It happened after I prayed deeply one morning to God in the aspect of Divine Mother for the grace to be able to change myself. Two hours later, I visited an art shop to see if they would be interested in carrying some of my photographs of Kauai. The young lady in charge rose from her seat to examine my work. Immediate recognition flashed between us. As we have put it since then, our souls met. Afterward, I couldn’t even recall what she looked like; a deep sense of her inner being crowded out all other impressions. It was almost as if she were, in some uncanny manner, a part of myself.

I soon found, in the magnetic influence of her presence, a vibrant joy rising from my heart chakra to the Christ Center (the seat of spiritual vision between the eyebrows). The changes of which I had dreamt began to appear spontaneously within me. Most astonishingly of all, the reality of our relationship continued, for each of us, as a growing awareness within ourselves.

I have met many thousands of people in my life, but no one has ever affected me like this. Even with my Guru, I’ve first visualized his outward appearance, and then felt his spiritual presence. But with my new soul-friend I found that her inner presence was my first reality, on the basis of which I might mentally reconstruct what she looked like. It was as though I were looking at the world through her eyes, rather than seeing her from the outside.

Only in the presence of saints have I ever felt from anyone such intense blessings, such a soaring freedom and joy. Other people, too, began to feel in our company a joy they’d never felt from either of us before.

What did it all signify? Of one thing I felt certain: To accept the blessings while turning my back on their source would be ingratitude. God had come to me through this channel. He must surely intend the channel itself to be a part of whatever changes He wanted for me now. If nothing else, my soul-friend and I were meant to work together. Each had something important to gain from the other, something that had never come, and that probably never would come, to us by any other means.

My Monastic Calling

In my search for keys to marital harmony, it hasn’t helped that for all of my adult life I’ve been a monk. For there is an element to teaching that no amount of words can convey. One can teach everything about painting—except, indeed, how to become an artist! One can teach everything about mathematics—except what it was that made one man, out of millions, an Albert Einstein. To convey inspiration—without which there can be no true understanding—it is necessary to share experience itself, not mere ideas about experience. It is in the silences—in the pauses between words, that the deepest insights are shared.

I have been, and still am, very happy in my monastic calling. I could remain in it perfectly contentedly the rest of my life. It represents for me, moreover, the tried, the safe and sure path.

But if my inner guidance is correct, I have already gained the main benefits of this calling. What remains is only to deepen them—to become more in tune, inwardly. This I can see doing best, as a monk, were I to withdraw increasingly into myself. My teaching, necessarily, would then reflect the consciousness of withdrawal. Ananda itself would come to reflect this consciousness.

My whole life has been offered to Master for his work. Long ago I decided it didn’t even matter if my salvation was deferred, so long as I might serve him. (Though I might add that service to him has inspired my heart with a constantly growing sense of inner freedom.) So far, his guidance has always been premised on this basic dedication, leading me in the path of service to his work, and not of withdrawal from it. But I am free in my heart to go in any direction he guides me.

While meditating lately on this question of new directions, I’ve felt his answer: “It has been good until now, for the work that you’ve done, for you to be a monk. You may continue happily as you are, and certainly with my blessings. But if you do so, you will not be serving the present needs of my work. The world is not now in need of examples of withdrawal. People are suffering and confused. They need. relevant guidance in their day-to-day lives.”

“What then,” I asked, “is needed? Where can I serve best?”

“Isn’t the greatest need, as you yourself have seen it, in the area of marriage and male-female relationships? You have wanted Ananda Village to set art example in this area. Is it doing so yet? Will it ever do so, without your leadership and guidance?”

“But Master, I’m a monk! I’ve vowed my life to God.”

“And what are your vows, ultimately, if not to serve Him as He wants?”

“But I’ve never felt the slightest desire to be a husband!”

“What if you were to live as one for a time only—to set an example for others? Your motive is pure: It is to do God’s will, and to serve Him in your fellowman. With such complete dedication, your attunement with Him can only grow. Later, you and your divine partner could graduate to the higher, more impersonal level of union together in God, as was commonly practiced in ancient India.”

“Ah, but I must be sure of your guidance on the deepest levels of my being. Let it touch my heart, Master, not only my head. Let me feel what you want!”

And I did feel it, repeatedly, every time I prayed: an expansive joy, almost greater than I could bear, confirming this guidance. If I rejected the guidance, my attunement lessened. But once I finally accepted it, my attunement increased amazingly.

Wishing to be as objective as possible, I asked advice of people in whose wisdom I had confidence: Their reply was, “Everything we see and feel in you, as the outcome of this change, is positive and good. The example itself is desperately needed.” A swami I asked about it said, “What if I were to say something negative?” “Please,” I replied, “if you have it in your mind to say, don’t hesitate. Truth alone endures. I am trying earnestly to align my actions with truth.” After further questions, he concluded, “What you are doing is very good.” In fact, he told me several stories similar to my own, of monks and saints in India who married to set a special example, and who found God in consequence.

I studied the results of these directions on our community: All were harmonious.

What else had I to go by?

The guidance continued: “Why not start a new spiritual order—one for householders as well as renunciates? The renunciate path has been well trod—one might almost say paved. But what about couples? What about families? It is time to offer them a way to come more surely onto the path. Without spiritual stability in the home, civilization itself will perish! Remain a monk in your heart, but draw others, by identifying with them, to the ideals that for so many years have inspired you.”

My feeling since receiving this guidance is to open this new order to the followers of other spiritual paths, not only our own.

Parmeshwari

My divine partner’s spiritual name is Parmeshwari, meaning, “a manifestation of the Divine Mother.” To many others, as well as to me, she seems indeed an embodiment of the Divine Mother principle.

As a leader and teacher I have always looked for people to work with who would understand on subtle as well as obvious levels what I was doing, and who would work with me harmoniously on every level. In Parmeshwari I have found one who fulfills these conditions. Indeed, I’ve found that I hardly ever need to explain anything to her. Whatever the subject of discussion, she demonstrates almost always a complete understanding.

What I see my divine partner and me becoming in time is like a father and mother to the community and to those connected with it. Parmeshwari has come into this incarnation blessed with deep wisdom, as well as love. Though much younger than I, she has brought out in me qualities that enable me to work in a new and fuller, way.

We were married recently in a private ceremony. Our inner guidance, and certainly our hope, is to evolve new guidelines for spiritual marriage, including a clearer understanding of how to combine the path of marriage with that of renunciation. For only by the spirit of renunciation can marriage become truly a path to God. As I said to Parmeshwari, “I love you not for me, but for God.” Only there, indeed, where soul-freedom exists, can love flourish truly.

What, then, about my monastic vows? I feel that, in a very real sense, I have completed them. I have also—again in a real sense—died and been reborn. Reason alone can, I know, be tricky. I would not feel as free in this new direction as I do were it not for the intense blessing it has given me in my heart and soul.

And what about my name? Swami, used as a formal title, means monk. It also means, simply, teacher. Many spiritual teachers who haven’t been formally ordained into the swami order are addressed as Swami by their disciples. In fact swami, in many Indian languages, is also the word for husband. (A Bengali housewife will say, amar swami, a Hindi-speaking housewife, mere swami—both meaning, “my husband.”) My students and friends could still call me Swami, if they so wish. As for my title, I may use the common Indian title, Sri, as a substitute.

I’ve been thrilled to see how supportive the members of Ananda have been in these changes, and how willing to let me seek my guidance from within. Many have spoken of the inspiration they’ve felt from this new direction. Many others have commented on the courage I’ve shown in taking it. If courage is what it takes to act in the face of fear, then I suppose I’ve been courageous, for I’ve certainly had to deal with fear. The fear I’ve felt hasn’t been a fear of public opinion, but rather of doing the wrong thing in God’s eyes.

Meditation, however, has finally resolved this matter for me, and dispelled the fear. I feel only blessings now, and deep inner joy in the realization that I have passed what may well have been the greatest test of my life.

Joy to you!

S. Kriyananda